The Complex: My stone.

As I sit for my last night in what I have affectionately come to call "the complex" (my duplex where I have lived for two years at ECU) I cannot help but feel deeply sad but eternally grateful for this time that God has given me here. "The complex" itself is not special by any means, a dilapidated old house that has been split into a duplex with minimal upkeep it looks from the outside like a piece of crap that no one would want to live in. But to me this place has become home. Not because it is an amazing structure, but because this crappy old structure has housed an abundance of the Father's blessing in my life over the past two years. It has become a place where I have found family, joy, rest, grace, generosity, honesty and been drawn more and more into the Father's heart. I love this place because to me it is a symbol, a stone like the Israelites kept to signify the promise of God after He brought them through the Red Sea. As I sit here tonight that is how I feel. Like I have walked a hard journey in college. But God who is FOREVER faithful has walked with me and parted a way for me. Four summers ago as I entered college I was terrified. I was walking into something completely unknown (I assume that is how the Israelites felt as they realized God was leading them through a sea to their promise land). Like the rocks the Israelites took from the bottom of the sea as they moved through on their way to God's promise land for them "the complex" has become a treasured stone. I will carry this place and the abundant blessing that God has given me in this place with me for the rest of my life. 
There are so many blessing that I have received here at "the complex". The porch (that at any minute may fall off of the front of the house) has seen laughter, tears, encouragement and been my favorite place to meet with the Father and let His words rejuvenate my soul. My kitchen with it's cracked tile floor and small space has been a place where I have experimented and grown my love for cooking and filling the tummies of the ones I love. Finally my fondest blessing in "the complex" My roommates, women who have become soul sisters, fellow journeyers and mirrors of the Father's truth, grace and generosity in my life were found here. You know when you find those people who you can be yourself with and make you want to be better... well I have found them here. Women who love people and the Lord with such authenticity they daily challenge and enrich my life in ways that words will never be able to express. My love for them is a deep love, a soul love, a type of love that cannot be expressed in words but is understood only through the knowledge of the Father's love for us. These women and the love they have poured over me has been like a branch off of the Father's love vine for me and truly transformed me. 
  My complex will forever be a promise of His promise. He has promised that He will never leave or forsake me... and He hasn't! Instead, He has surrounded me, upheld me and poured His abundance over me. I could never have imagined how God was going to make ECU of all places a blessing and a place I would forever love and cherish but in His abundant grace He has done more than I can even imagine.  What God has given me here at ECU but especially here at "the complex" reminds me of the verse in Malachi...
Malachi 3:10
Bring the whole tithe into the storehous, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the LORD Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it.


It is as if I brought, here in college, the tithe of my life, really dedicating myself to Him, to His plan and purpose in my life and He has THROWN open the gates and blessed be beyond my imagination! My heart is having trouble storing the abundance of His blessing as I reflect on His faithfulness tonight. I am so grateful for this time, to have another stone filled to the brim with memories to carry with me in my journey and to have found fellow journeyers to walk with as we walk together toward the Father!

Jesus?

 A friend asked me today how my job search was coming and I told her plainly "well not so great. I kind of feel like the little bird in that childrens book "Are you my mother?" But instead of mother it is Jesus. It's not that I don't know who Jesus is and am having a "faith crisis", but  I feel like I have fallen out of my nest and am in this season that I don't understand. I know Jesus is my light and the guide to my path so I am searching for His path for me in all of this. I have felt for the past semester like I have been going up to opportunities and asking "Jesus, is this it?" "Is this where I am supposed to be?" I am wandering around and looking for the place that He has me. I am trying to be open minded, diligent and faithful in looking for employment but I tell you what... I am getting a little discouraged. How many of these opportunities are going to look me in the face and say, "no, this is NOT where Jesus has you." I was praying in the shower today (if  you have never prayed in the shower... you should try! what else do you have to do in there!) and was pleading with the Lord to open any door. It is hard to wait sometimes and that is where I have found myself lately. Waiting. Waiting for something to work out. Some opportunity to "drop" as my dad says. So I am waiting, putting myself out there and praying for God to open a door. I know he hasn't left me, so i'll keep going around and asking "Jesus, is this it?" until I hear my yes. I am excited for that moment when Jesus lifts me out of my unknowing like the crane in the childrens' book and puts me back in my nest where I can see things at least a little more clearly. I am hoping for strength to be diligent as I go and search! My greatest comfort, strength and peace is that I know I am not looking FOR Jesus, but looking WITH Him. He is right beside me in the midst of all of my unknown and His knowing, steady way brings me peace. I hope I can look at this season like a time spent walking and enjoying time with the Lord as He leads me to my next opportunity, instead of a time that I grow in frustration that an opportunity has not arisen yet!

John 10:3
"The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out."

Lord Jesus thank you for knowing me by name! Lord lead me out of confusion and discouragement and into you and your will. I am only a dumb sheep and I need your voice to guide me. Call me Lord. I need to hear your voice! 

Where You Go I'll Go...

Before my current blog name, the song "Where You Go I Go" by Jesus Culture was the inspiration for my blog title. I think that was a true reflection of my heart. To follow God where ever He leads me, to let His words be my words and His prayers my prayers.  In this season of watering as I have come to call this "interruption" in my plans and time of rest and filling, my heart and spirit have been strengthening but much to my schegrine I have no plans for what is to come next. As always, I have wrestled with God in the unknowing but I have come to know in a deeper more real way than ever before that the Lord is GOOD and HE IS FAITHFUL. His faithfulness and goodness have been so apparent during this semester. I never thought I would say this but I am really thankful to have had this time. Time to think, eat, sleep, read my Bible (Praise the Lord), do laundry, spend time with friends and rest my weary soul.
As we approach the end of the semester in 3.5 weeks and I am still waiting on the Lord to lead me to where ever He has me this summer I wait knowing He is faithful. I chose to let my song be "where you go i'll go, what you say i'll say, what you pray i'll pray... because you are good."
Would you pray with me as I seek the Lord on His plans for my summer? I am ready to go or stay, do or pray... whatever He has for me! Thank you for your support and encouragement as I learn to walk this thing out!
a heart in progress,
Hannah

overzealous.

I got overzealous. I forgot to intro the new face of my blog. For those of you who read my blog last summer you might realize my blog got a face lift. I changed the name of my blog to Pearls and Side Hugs. Why you might inquire... Well let me explain. I am trying to make this blog more of a reflection of me. Who I am on a day to day basis. Making it feel more like a conversation between us in my kitchen than a report of the formal findings of my life.

Why pearls and side hugs... because they represent the good and the bad.

Pearls- a symbol for centuries of wisdom, beauty, value and excellence. 

Side Hugs- a horrible interaction between two people that involves intentionally touching and rejecting one another at the same time. There is literally nothing more awkward. 

So that's what you will find here... 

Elegant, awkward, good, bad, happy, sad and everything in between. I want to live a real, open, transparent life. So ALL can see how He is changing, molding, calming, exciting and forming me into the women He has called me to be! To Him be the glory! 

Love from a heart in progress, 

hannah

Opps I did it again...

The title of this blog is not a homage to the glittery pop-diva Ms. Brittany Spears... it is a confession. I did it again. I promised I would be more faithful with my blog... and surprise I wasn't. I was thinking tonight why that was. Why was is it that I don't write more often? Don't I not have something to say? Is it that I hate writing? 

The answer. No to all of the above. I love to write but I am scared. I am scared to confess to the world how messed up I am. I find that I often wait until I have learned a lesson, overcome a difficult season or found some word of wisdom to speak about where I am. I let people (and God) in when I have it all figured out. When I am healed. When it can be used as a testimony of where God has brought me. Why am I not as transparent with where I am now? Why don't I let my brokenness today be a testimony of His grace today? I think they call that it... PRIDE? Yes, pride. I am prideful. A sin that I think I have denied and tried to push to the side because I am still trying to rid myself of the other sins that seem to litter my life...

There lies the problem... did you catch it...  I. One little letter. One little word... I. I have been trying to rid myself... Why do I always try to do Jesus' job. He does it better than anyone else. Cleanses, purifies, redeems, renews... I can't do any of those... So why do I try? 

I think the answer in my life is control. (Control... my least favorite sin, as I see it often consume me and cripple my faith...) What is easier to control? Denying the sin in my life and continuing to truck along or to repent and come undone at the foot of the Cross. That would be DENIAL. It is totally easier and far more flattering to my self-made image to push my sin under the perfectly manicured rug in my heart and not let Jesus who lives there clean it up... What a Southern girl I am. Not wanting my "heart guest"(Jesus) to be inconvenienced with my mess (my sin). The problem is Jesus has an allergy to sin. He can't live in a heart that is infested with the nasty stuff! Thankfully He is a gracious Savior who doesn't give up on our messy, contaminated hearts but cleans them from the inside out. He tears down the old and gives us a new, beautiful, servant heart. He "redecorates" our hearts so they become a place where He can live and reign. 

That is probably my favorite part of Jesus. That He WANTS our mess. That He SEES our mess. That He SAW our mess and still came. What a wonderful Savior!

So today I am excited. Excited because I am a MESS. My heart is infested with gross, nasty sin that always seems to sneak into the house of my heart. But today I have a Savior. A Savior who knows me... in and through and thinks my heart is a real fixer-upper with a lot of potential! 

I am learning to give my fear to God. Lord use this blog. Not as a place where people can see a "perfect" college Christian girl... but a place where people can get a glimpse into a heart that is "under renovation" and becoming a beautiful heart that LOVES GOD and HIS CHILDREN with every square inch!

Love from a heart in progress! 

hannah

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh."           - Ezekiel 36:26

The Image of the Lord...

I have always seen God's face and character in nature... but during my time in Bolivia I began to see Him more and more in other places. This "poem" I wrote while I was there. I wrote it in reverence to God as I saw Him in the faces and lives of my students and as I saw them daily looking more and more like Him. It is amazing when we look where the face of the Father shows up. He is SO awesome, mighty and worthy!

Oh, breathtaking is your beauty Oh Lord! 

I see it in the giggle of Noelle and in the majesty of your mountains.

Oh, calming is your peace Oh Lord!

I see it in the posture of Anne and in the way the ravens soar above.

Oh, mighty are your words Oh God!

I hear it in the truth you speak through Katie and in the power of the creation you spoke into existence.

Oh, gentle is your touch Oh Lord!

I see it in the way Val loves the orphans and in the way you dot the land with springs of water.

Oh, mighty are you our deliverer! 

I see it in the chains you are breaking in Kristen and the way you provide for and protect your land.

Oh, awesome is your knowledge Oh God!

A thirst I see in Josh and in the way creation yearns for your truth to pour out.

Oh, great above all is your wisdom Oh Lord! 

A gift you have given Matt and a quality I see in the gentle folds of your mountains. 

Oh, awesome is your grace Oh Lord! 

A stream of which flows over Trevor's head like the river through the land bringing life to the valley.

Oh, joyful is your Spirit Oh God!

A joy I see beginning to seep out of Becky like the sun bursting through the clouds.

How righteous are you Oh Lord!

A thirst for which you are putting in Miriam like the desert thirst for rain. 

How much better are your plans Oh God!

Plans to prosper your daughter Kara like you prosper and uphold the flowers in a time of drought.

How worthy are you of praise Oh Lord!

Praise I see flowing out of Olivia like the wind flows between the mountains, bringing renewal to all in it's path.

I'll show up and take care of you...

If you had asked me 2 months ago what I would be doing this summer I would have told you I was going to be in Raleigh nannying, watching my mom's house while she was in Paris and finishing up some summer school requirements. I would not have told you that I would be leading (with two other young adults) a 3 week trip to Bolivia for 12 high schoolers. I would have told you I don't want to go back to Bolivia unless I could see my friends from last summer and go with my sisters from last summer. I would have told you I don't want to work with high schoolers because they are too immature. I would have told you a lot.
Oh how little I know. I did lead a trip with 2 other "young adults" ... I did work with high schoolers (and LOVED IT!) much to my surprise and NONE of it I planned or knew would happen.


But as it says in Jeremiah 29:11 "I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."

I am beginning to get it. HE has a plan. So as I said to a friend the other day my plan is to follow the Lord. That may not seem like a plan to some but to me it is the ONLY plan I can make. I have tried and tried to line up things in my life but as I have seen over and over His plan is better and prevails over mine.

The Lord's provision and gentleness over the past two months have brought me into a whole new trust and love for Him. He has been so gentle as He leads me to lay down my idol of control and trust in His plan. He fulfilled His promises to provide as He provided an amazing team of high schoolers whose passion for the Lord pushed me daily, an organization that empowers, equips and believes that this generation is going to bring change a broken world and co-leaders who showed me what it means to live with NO plan and trust the Lords provision for everything.

I was battling with the name of this blog post between "I'll show up and take care of you" and "blessing on top of blessing." That is what these past two months have been. Blessing on top of blessing. I had no idea what the Lord was going to do... But I cannot imagine my summer looking any different now... He knew what I needed. He knew and knows the plans He has for me. I am letting go and letting God flow. If He has gotten me this far then I am believing He will continue to provide and make a way for me!