The title of this blog is not a homage to the glittery pop-diva Ms. Brittany Spears... it is a confession. I did it again. I promised I would be more faithful with my blog... and surprise I wasn't. I was thinking tonight why that was. Why was is it that I don't write more often? Don't I not have something to say? Is it that I hate writing?
The answer. No to all of the above. I love to write but I am scared. I am scared to confess to the world how messed up I am. I find that I often wait until I have learned a lesson, overcome a difficult season or found some word of wisdom to speak about where I am. I let people (and God) in when I have it all figured out. When I am healed. When it can be used as a testimony of where God has brought me. Why am I not as transparent with where I am now? Why don't I let my brokenness today be a testimony of His grace today? I think they call that it... PRIDE? Yes, pride. I am prideful. A sin that I think I have denied and tried to push to the side because I am still trying to rid myself of the other sins that seem to litter my life...
There lies the problem... did you catch it... I. One little letter. One little word... I. I have been trying to rid myself... Why do I always try to do Jesus' job. He does it better than anyone else. Cleanses, purifies, redeems, renews... I can't do any of those... So why do I try?
I think the answer in my life is control. (Control... my least favorite sin, as I see it often consume me and cripple my faith...) What is easier to control? Denying the sin in my life and continuing to truck along or to repent and come undone at the foot of the Cross. That would be DENIAL. It is totally easier and far more flattering to my self-made image to push my sin under the perfectly manicured rug in my heart and not let Jesus who lives there clean it up... What a Southern girl I am. Not wanting my "heart guest"(Jesus) to be inconvenienced with my mess (my sin). The problem is Jesus has an allergy to sin. He can't live in a heart that is infested with the nasty stuff! Thankfully He is a gracious Savior who doesn't give up on our messy, contaminated hearts but cleans them from the inside out. He tears down the old and gives us a new, beautiful, servant heart. He "redecorates" our hearts so they become a place where He can live and reign.
That is probably my favorite part of Jesus. That He WANTS our mess. That He SEES our mess. That He SAW our mess and still came. What a wonderful Savior!
So today I am excited. Excited because I am a MESS. My heart is infested with gross, nasty sin that always seems to sneak into the house of my heart. But today I have a Savior. A Savior who knows me... in and through and thinks my heart is a real fixer-upper with a lot of potential!
I am learning to give my fear to God. Lord use this blog. Not as a place where people can see a "perfect" college Christian girl... but a place where people can get a glimpse into a heart that is "under renovation" and becoming a beautiful heart that LOVES GOD and HIS CHILDREN with every square inch!
Love from a heart in progress!
hannah
"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." - Ezekiel 36:26
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