Leaves and Pillars...

This is a New Year and I am turning a new leaf... I am sure you have heard that a hundred times from people. People turn all kinds of "new leaves" this time of year. "I am going to lose weight," "I am changing my life," for students it is often "I am going to do better in school"... etc. We have all heard it before, but I am really am turning a new leaf. These past four months have been an interesting time for me and my walk with God. When I returned from Bolivia I felt out of place, disoriented and confused. I did not understand why God had called me back here... back to North Carolina, back to school, back to the grind of day to day life. I felt like I had left my heart in Bolivia and was running around trying to muster up the passion, excitement and drive I had previously possessed for my daily activities. 

It was an incredibly confusing time for me and I felt so uncomfortable and out of control. So naturally as a control freak I snatched the control of my life back from God and began to try to manage my life. To establish some comfort in my new state of mind and my new circumstances. As it always is when we try to control our lives it was a mess. I felt more out of control, more confused, more unsettled than ever before. Still I did not seek God in it because if you know my God you know that He is a God who stirs things up. He takes our lives, our plans, our futures, our hearts and makes us new! Well because God had just worked so much in me and done so much repo work on my heart over the summer I hardly recognized myself. I for the first time let my life be transformed by someone other than myself. Transformation for me is a scary thing and I immediately pulled back and took back control... which lead to the difficulty and struggle...

These past four months have been hard but God has shown me SO much through them. He has shown me that He is sovereign, He is Lord, He loves me, He is patient and seeks after me (His dumb sheep who wanders around confused and loses her way all of the time...)

I know realize that rather than attempting to control my circumstances, my surroundings, where God has called me, my future or the myriad of other things I try to control. He calls me to live a life in surrender to Him. 

So I did it again. I surrendered all (I think that I am finally getting that it is a daily thing not a just a one time gig...) I gave my life, my all to Him again. 

My God never ceases to amaze me in His provision and how gentle He is with me! One of my big stressors or things that really made me anxious as I was trying to control my life was what I was going to do this summer. As I tried with all of my might to make something work nothing settled well or felt right in my gut as my mom would say. I came up with and bounced around it seems like hundreds of options. I looked into nannying, working in retail, working in an externship, interning somewhere, working in a camp really everything...

Finally after I relinquished all to Him, He provided an amazing opportunity...

I spent the last weekend in White, GA at the AIM training camp working on the serve team for the 50 some college students that left today to make change in Christ's name all over the world. What a great experience to go and be inspired by people my age who have a the same heart and call to the nations...

At training camp is where God really broke some of these prisons I had put myself back in (like control) so as I relinquished my grip on these things God's grace and mercy had room to come in and fill me again. He provided a potential opportunity to be a leader with AIM for the Summer 2011 Real Life trips! WHAT?? 

Who would have ever thought that He would maybe want to use me to encourage and build up fellow college students in that way? I was in shock! 

At training camp Jimmy (one of the leaders at AIM) encouraged the participants to write what God was doing in their lives down. Kind of like the Israelites built pillars or altars to God to remember the promises or covenants God had established with them. Although I am not a participant I took that advice and am going to do my best to update this blog more regularly with what God is teaching me and how He is shaping me! This blog is my pillar. I am setting up a pillar of me turning a new leaf. Not being afraid to seek God and His will. Not being afraid or hesitant of getting my life turned upside down. Not being afraid to be made new and molded. I SURRENDER TO YOU GOD! I hope to encourage you through my words and I hope that you too are seeking renewal and trusting in the Lord!